


Rewind

by megamac1296



Series: GrimmNel: After The War [4]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 00:50:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15401301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megamac1296/pseuds/megamac1296
Summary: Time wasn't something they were lacking for and rewinding it to reminisce didn't do much good for anyone, especially because he was the only one that could actually remember anything.





	Rewind

How had she gotten here? She couldn't remember.

She looked onwards and tried to comprehend the dead landscape she currently inhabited. A mist muddled her mind as she tried to get her bearings, it sifted through the air like toxic gas.

The mist suddenly hardened and started constricting around her limbs like vines. She tried to struggle against these new restraints, however her muscles stayed limp and failed to respond.

The smog clouding her thoughts was numbing, it felt like she was slowly drowning. Visions of herself floated by her retinas, vague reflections that she could barely recall.

People she faintly recognised then appeared to her, like specters visiting in the dead of night. One face lingered longer than the others, whispering to her. She tried to make out the words over his hushed tone, but concentrating was as impossible as moving.

She suddenly felt very claustrophobic and scared. She wanted to reach out to the face and beg him to help her. Her mind and body were completely confined, her limbs refused to obey her, the mist was wrapping ever tighter against her and choking the life out of her.

Panic left as quickly as it came. A pessimistic sort of acceptance washed over her. Maybe she should just give in and drift off into the sea of smoke, it seemed so appealing to just let go...

Suddenly the veil vanished and there was no more fog. Nel opened her eyes and tried to slow her laboured breathing as she took in her new surroundings.

A familiar room, with no constrictive mist. Instead, what was wrapped around her were arms, warm ones. Nel exhaled lightly as she started to rationalise her dream.

She wasn't trapped, she was being held. Not being confined, but protected. She turned around to see the owner of said arms staring back at her with a concerned look on his face, the same face that had appeared in her dream.

There was something so utterly soothing about waking up terrified and immediately seeing Grimmjow's features. It wasn't just that he was handsome, though that helped. His neutral, almost contemplative expression was instantly calming. His collected composure always gave off an air of confidence that was contagious and put her at ease.

She gave him a quick peck on the lips as a way of thanks before trying to settle back down, however he wasn't going to let the matter go that easily. He wiped a few beads of sweat from her forehead while she curled back up against him.

"Another nightmare?" He asked.

"Mm." Came the mumbled reply.

He stroked circles on her thigh with his fingertips while he waited for her to continue.

"At this point, they're more like, memories trapped in a haze. My memories." She said quietly.

"They coming back to you?"

"No, like most dreams, any recollections just drift away as soon as I wake up."

"I know you don't like to talk about it, but these episodes are becoming more frequent-"

"No."

"Fine, if not me, then maybe Harribel?"

"No."

"You don't have to be alone through this."

"No." She said more firmly.

"Nelliel..."

"I don't need your help!" She snapped and rolled over to turn her back to him.

Embarrassment and shame made her resort to anger, which made her push him away. She didn't like appearing weak, not to anyone. She had always valued her quiet strength, never having to demonstrate it to simply prove a point. While she trusted Grimmjow more than anyone, there were still some things she would rather he didn't see or know about.

But, he did know about them, and not only did he never mock or ridicule her, he constantly tried to comfort and support her. There was a reason that her subconscious associated his face with solace. It was just something in her that refused to accept any form of help from anyone.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"Don't worry about it." He murmured.

He never held any grudges against her. It was one of the things she had only recently noticed about him. No matter how harsh she spoke to him, or how cruel her insults could be, he just moved on without harbouring any ill feelings.

If she was being honest, there were times when she felt like she didn't entirely deserve him, though her pride would never allow her to tell him that.

Nel turned back once she felt Grimmjow get up out of bed. She eyed him as he walked out onto their balcony, admiring the way the moonlight reflected against his naked skin. She had tried to heal all the little nicks and abrasions on his body, even managing to clean up that nasty gash between his neck and shoulder, however his chest scar was as prevalent as ever.

She watched him perch himself on the edge of the balcony, his natural grace meant that he was balanced perfectly and at no risk of falling all the way down Los Noches. Once again he just stared off into the distance without saying a word.

Nel did find it slightly amusing that he was worried about her, when almost everyone inside the castle walls was worried about him. Not for his physical wellbeing, but his mental health.

In the past few weeks, his aggressive demeanour had all but vanished. Nel was used to him being calm in their private moments, but it was quite the sight to see Harribel's Fracciones confused responses to a more civil Grimmjow. It looked as though they nervously expected him to lose it at any second.

Even Harribel herself tried to return awkward conversation with him. Nel struggled not to grin or laugh at their exchanges, because it might have been the only time she saw Harribel even the slightest bit flustered. If she didn't know any better, she would swear the two of them had never spoken individually before.

Nel got up and grabbed Grimmjow's jacket, pulling it over herself while she went outside to join him.

"I've been thinking back to what you said a couple of weeks ago, back when I was having my existential crisis, something you mentioned has been on my mind lately."

"You mean back when I was the smartest person in Hueco Mundo, if I remember your exact words." The smugness in his tone was almost tangible.

"Doesn't sound like something I'd say." She muttered.

"What about it?"

"Did you really go and look for me?" She said suddenly.

"What?!"

"When I was gone, did you go and search for me?" She slowly enunciated.

He looked at her and scoffed, turning away. "I wanted to, but something told me that you didn't want to be found." He said lowly.

"And you still didn't come after me anyway." She huffed.

He didn't laugh back.

There was something about complete quiet in Hueco Mundo that could be eerily peaceful, however at that moment, it was completely overshadowed by the tension emanating from Grimmjow.

"I couldn't." He eventually said, his voice solemn.

When he didn't elaborate, she felt guilty for abruptly changing the subject like that. Her goal had been to divert his attention from her night terrors, not cause him pain. She would have preferred it if he had snapped and swore at her, as opposed to this... dejected silence.

It only gave weight to this new, uneasy feeling she had that Grimmjow was gradually becoming depressed. Perhaps that was her wildly misjudging his new peaceful ways but she desperately felt as though she needed to relight a fire in him or something.

Granted, she certainly didn't help the situation with her condescending remarks, or occasional hostile attitude towards him. While she had chalked it up to a form of 'banter' between them in the past, she now often regretted cracking a joke at his expense when he refused to tease her back.

It was unnerving. As far as she could remember, she had never seen him cry or even act upset before. She wagered that he previously over-compensated his sadness with anger, which unfortunately meant she had nothing to compare his current mood to. He preferred to keep his feelings hidden, and any suffering on the inside.

He had no one outside of her to really care for either. While she had Pesche and Dondochakka, and Harribel had her Fracciones, he was alone; a penalty of his own actions. Perhaps that's why he gravitated to her so much and was only now trying to branch out to others. Perhaps that's why he also kept his scar from Ichigo, a twisted form of attachment to one of the few people who treated him with respect.

Grimmjow's interpretation of the word respect could be fairly confusing, but she digressed.

She was more than likely over analysing him, just as he was doing with her nightmares. But right now, she felt like she was losing him, even when it appeared to everyone else that they were closer than ever.

Nel reached out to place her hand on his and his eyes widened at the act, she raised a brow at his shocked response.

Grimmjow gave a half smile and pointed up at the sky. "We watched it together once. You and I under the moon, just like this." He started.

"I don't remember." She confessed, and immediately wanted to kick herself.

His smile vanished and he instantly stopped reciting his tale. He stared at her with a hauntingly empty gaze. She had seen that look before, it was the same expression he had immediately after she healed him from Nnoitra's attack.

"Yeah. I know." He said flatly.

She felt horrible and once again regretted opening her stupid mouth, she was on a roll since she had woken up. Since when had she gained this talent for ruining every decent moment?

Nel started to wonder if he'd stopped holding grudges against her, simply because she forgot whatever she did wrong in the first place.

And what if her memories were influencing Grimmjow's melancholic mood? She wasn't sure she could handle that, it was bad enough that they were keeping him awake most nights, the thought that he was so worried about her that it was starting to affect him in such a negative way, made her feel physically ill.

"You're there, in my memories, that I _can_ remember. Through the shroud, I see your face, it's like you're always the one constant. I think that says something. I bet in some regards, you know me better than I know myself. But I've come to know you too Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, and right now I know that you're going through some kind of agony. You seem subdued and listless lately. You know you can talk to me about anything, I just want to help you, like I always do."

He took her hand and placed a kiss on her palm.

"You reached out to me when I was alone, calmed me when I was enraged, healed me when I was hurt, loved me when I hated myself. You don't need to heal me now, I'm fine Nel."

"You're not." Her voice broke.

"And neither are you." He countered.

The uncomfortable silence that lingered in the air was only compounded by the fact that they refused to look at each other. It was ironic how stubborn they both were in their effort to remain strong for the other, yet were unwilling to actually confront their problems together.

Grimmjow got off his perch and once again wrapped his arms around her in an effort to protect her. This time Nel hugged him back, returning his silent vow of support.

If they wouldn't do it together, they would make sure that the other was strong enough to face any adversity that came. And for the time being, that was enough.

Nel brought her face up to his. "So, remind me again about how we stayed under the sky, watching the moon and stars, that sounds too romantic for you." She whispered.

"Well, it started off a little something like this." Grimmjow said in a husky voice and leaned down to kiss her.

* * *

Her wet drool did little to quench the searing, burning sensation coming from the space between his neck and shoulder. However, it was a welcome, familiar feeling that he hadn't experienced in far too long.

Grimmjow sat up and spat out a mouthful of blood onto the sands, he then turned his head to see her standing tall against the golden dunes. If it wasn't for the little relief she offered, he wouldn't have been surprised if she actually was a mirage in the desert.

He was skeptical when he saw the brat with Kurosaki. Sure she had the same hair colour and the same name, but a kid, really? At that moment however, she for once wasn't at the forefront of his mind, he could only concentrate on the orange-haired Shinigami. His anger didn't leave a lot of room for reason or sensible thinking, so he would appreciate it if she'd cut him some slack in that regard.

"How long have I been out?" Grimmjow asked?

Nel turned around in surprise and focused on him.

"Oh, well um, I've transformed back and forth at least three times. I'm not sure how long I stayed as a child during those times, but if I were to estimate-"

"Alright, alright." He interrupted and slowly rose with a pained grunt, causing Nel to rush over and assist him. He wanted to brush her off in order to save face, but knew that he simply didn't have the energy to stand on his own. He felt brittle, irritable and just a little thirsty.

He got a close look at Nel's face as she helped him up, just as sexy as he remembered. He then inspected her helmet and scowled at what he saw. A crack on the left side, that went from the top of her mask all the way down the length of her nose, the teeth on that side were knocked out as well.

That was obviously where Nnoitra had struck, a cowardly attack on her most vulnerable point. Yeah, that had that bastard's name written all over it.

"How much do you remember?" Grimmjow asked in a raspy tone.

"Not a lot." She admitted. "We were allies once?"

Nel could have sworn she saw a flash of hurt in his eyes, before his stare turned worryingly vacant.

"Allies? We were..." His voice trailed off. "Yeah, we were allies."

"I'm sorry, I can't quite remember." Nel said innocently.

Grimmjow turned away and quietly cursed to himself. He could see his future crumble right in front of him. Kurosaki had vanished just as he had him in his grasp. Most of the Espada were probably dead or dying if they hadn't returned already. Nel could barely remember who he was.

"I have to go find Pesche and Dondochakka." She informed him.

She went to leave but he reflexively grabbed her wrist. Not out of anger, more like panicked desperation. She tried to yank her arm free, but he wouldn't let go.

He refused to lose her again.

"Let go, Grimmjow!" She yelled, surprising herself.

He cocked his head, let out a sigh of relief and smiled. Hearing her say his name, at that moment, it was enough. A confused look adorned her features, as if her brain was trying to process memories that were simply not there.

"Hello Nel." He said softly.

"How do you know me?" She asked cautiously.

"We were allies once." He replied with a smirk.

"No, how do you really know me? Something about you feels... familiar."

"I know lots about you." He drawled. "I know you love to read, I know that you hate unnecessary conflict, and I know that your Resurreccion turns you into a stupid looking centaur."

Nel hummed uneasily. He was unconscious when she transformed, meaning she must have shown her Resurreccion to him in the past, which was not something she did lightly. Still, even if he did have knowledge about her, that didn't excuse his malicious and ruthless actions.

"Not good enough. How do I know I can trust you?"

Grimmjow smirked, sauntered up close and whispered in her ear. "I know how loud you can get when fucking. I know you like to get on top because it makes you feel in control. I know that you had a mark on the inside of your thigh from the first time I went down on you and my jaw rubbed against it. I know that your Hollow hole is-"

She wrapped her arms around his neck, which caused him to hiss in pain.

"I think you've proven your point, you could have just started with the Hollow hole." She whispered back.

"And ruin the fun?" He chuckled.

They parted from the embrace and Grimmjow stepped back to get another look at her, this time with more lecherous thoughts in mind. He only now noticed how sheer and tight those green rags were on her.

"What are you grinning at?" She narrowed her eyes at him.

"That outfit, it looks good on you."

"Shut up."

Spotting something out of the corner of his eye, Grimmjow looked past Nel and smiled when he realised what it was. Walking over to it, he passed Tesla's dead body and tried not to look into his sickeningly lifeless gaze.

Grimmjow stopped directly in front of the Fifth Espada's corpse. Whatever was left of him had been hacked to pieces, it looked like it had been an excruciating battle. Grimmjow noticed how all the blood had painted the surrounding sands red by this point, he scoffed at the thought of Kurosaki being responsible for this savagery.

"Shit, I knew he was a scumbag but I didn't think you had it in you to do this." He commented.

"This wasn't me." Nel murmured as she caught up with him.

Of course it wasn't, that was the work of someone like him, vicious and powerful. Deep slashes decorated Nnoitra's body, Grimmjow looked around and got a clear view of the aftermath from all the chaos and violence.

Damn, he wished he had been conscious to see it all.

Grimmjow hocked up some phlegm mixed with blood, and spat on the Fifth's corpse, much to Nel's dismay.

"Have some respect!"

There was an edge to her voice that excited Grimmjow to no end. The tones, the inflections, the stern look. It was all too familiar to him and exactly like the old Nel.

"Respect?" He laughed incredulously. "Did you forget what this prick did?"

"I remember." She said firmly. "However he has paid his penance. I saw it, I watched him fall and die. There's no need to desecrate his body any further."

There was something akin to sadness in her voice that made Grimmjow's blood boil. He hated everything about Nnoitra, especially the traits that he shared with him. The bastard deserved respect from no one, and would hopefully be forgotten by the annals of time. He wasn't worth a damn thing, certainly not sympathy.

"He got off light, if you ask me." Grimmjow said under his breath.

"Oh? You would like to hurt him, the same way you hurt Ichigo?" She said acidly.

He knew this was coming. Was it even possible for him to explain to Nel how alive he felt when fighting Kurosaki? Did it even matter that fighting him, slightly filled the void that she left when she vanished? No, it didn't, so he decided to bite his tongue and take her scorn on the chin.

"He didn't want your pity, that was his problem with you." He whispered, and walked away.

Nel's eyes widened, she certainly didn't expect Grimmjow to have that kind of insight. He was fascinating to her, someone capable of such destruction, but had so much depth under the surface. She wanted to learn more about this man who already knew so much about her. She had been intimate with him once, that had to be for a greater reason than the fact he was simply easy on the eyes.

If she had ever loved him at all, he deserved the chance to show her why.

"Hey! Are you coming?" She called over to him. "This way."

Grimmjow stared dead ahead to spy Los Noches in the distance, like an oasis in the desert it stood. No one there now, the throne was vacant, just waiting for him to sit on it.

However, if Aizen did come back, it was all over. While he may have liked a fight, he wasn't stupid. The result of that encounter would only ever go one way.

He looked back at Nel. Did she even have a plan beyond finding her friends? Did it matter? He found her again. Though who knew how long she would want him around for, she was already tetchy with him as is. She could simply decide one day that she wanted nothing to do with him and take off.

Even if that didn't happen, he had an uphill battle ahead of him in order to win back her trust.

The dangerous oasis, or the familiar mirage? What a choice.

"Ah, fuck it." He muttered before turning around and following her lead.

"You seemed to have missed me anyway." She grinned.

"Tch, you keep telling yourself that."

* * *

He missed her.

He missed her smile, he missed her eyes, he missed the sweet smell of her hair. He even missed her annoying fucking voice.

She left him, she fucking left him. No farewell, no note, no anything. Well fuck her, fuck all of them.

Even though she had physically vanished, she would still constantly linger in his thoughts, invade his dreams when he slept. Try as he might, Grimmjow couldn't rid himself of Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck.

 _What a stupid fucking name,_ he thought.

He had tried to heal some of the cuts he had gained since she left, and that was a fucking nightmare. Trying to close his wounds was something he did not have the patience for, he wagered it would be easier to stitch his jacket than his own flesh.

His crew had noticed his sombre mood too, he could see their uneasy stares, their silent whispers. Not one of them had the courage to say anything to his face.

He had a group of followers and he still felt alone. Still longed for her.

He was so close to going after her, so close. He only stopped himself when he really took the time to contemplate everything.

If she left without him, then that must have meant that she wanted nothing to do with him. What had he done to drive her away? He didn't know, would never know.

She couldn't even face him to say goodbye, that was what stung the most.

Her replacement was some new bitch that he didn't give a fuck about, except for the fact that he was 90% sure she was a lesbian.

Replaced, just like that, no acknowledgement from anyone. He almost wanted to laugh at how he was the only one who cared, which was a sad statement in itself.

She was the only one that he felt he could let his guard down with. The only one who didn't seem either openly intimidated or amused by his demeanour alone.

He hated that he was thinking like this, like a forlorn, heartbroken pussy. If Nel wanted to leave him behind, that was fine, the least she could do was have the courtesy to get out of his head too.

To his relief, she eventually did. Until one day, Nnoitra laughed in his direction.

"Aw, are you still missing Nelliel?" He sneered.

"What's it to you fuckhead?" Grimmjow sighed, exasperated. He did not have the energy for this asshole today.

"Oh, I just thought you'd finally come and ask me. Seeing as how she loved to spend so much time with me." Nnoitra's tongue slid out of his mouth in a revolting manner, it made Grimmjow want to rip it out with his bare hands.

"Yeah, she told me all about how she dominated and humiliated you." He laughed.

Nnoitra's grin faltered and turned into a snarl. "Well I got the last laugh on that bitch, I wouldn't count on ever seeing her again."

Grimmjow's blood instantly ran cold. It couldn't be, Nel was so much stronger than this piece of shit... Nnoitra had motive sure, but he lacked the means to pull anything like that off.

"What did you do?" He asked slowly.

"The whore really did lay with you." Nnoitra's tone was one of utter disgust. "Don't worry, she's not dead, I think. Hueco Mundo can be a dangerous place and she was in no state to defend herself after I was done with her." His tongue slid out again.

"You're full of shit." Grimmjow challenged.

"The bitch was strong, I have to give her that. I couldn't beat her in a one-on-one. It required a more... sophisticated touch, by someone smarter than me, as much as I hate to admit it. And do you know _why_ I can tell you this, Sexta? Because every word of it is true." He grinned.

Before he knew it, Grimmjow was slowly marching towards Nnoitra, murderous intent in every footstep, hand already reaching for his Zanpakutou. Once he had transformed, his first step was to shatter that ugly smile, by breaking his jaw with a well-placed punch. After that, he'd carve that snake eye out of his head and improvise from there.

"Is there a problem gentleman?" The calm voice of their leader called to them. The brown haired Shinigami had an uncanny knack for sneaking up at the most inopportune times. Thankfully, he wasn't flanked by his two sycophants today.

Grimmjow stopped in his tracks momentarily but couldn't take his eyes off of Nnoitra. Every fiber of his being begged him to kill him. To beat him, to cut him, to tear him apart, to make him bleed, to make him suffer.

He took her away.

"No Lord Aizen, no problem." Nnoitra answered quickly.

"I'm gonna kill you." Grimmjow wanted to make sure his threat directly reached Nnoitra in no uncertain terms.

"Grimmjow." Aizen warned.

"You know, I've never killed out of revenge, not once. I'm pretty sure it's because no one's ever had to balls to wrong me before. I think it'll be an enjoyable experience, and make it that much sweeter when I'm ripping you to shreds."

Sudden invisible pressure came crashing down on Grimmjow like a ton of bricks. The weight of Aizen's power was immense and all Grimmjow could do was stare at the impassive Shinigami.

In the one act of defiance he was capable of, Grimmjow strained and turned his neck back towards Nnoitra. When they locked eyes, Grimmjow was satisfied to see his prey flinch.

His victory was short lived however, as Aizen effortlessly increased the levels of force.

"Grimmjow, I would advise you lose this desire for vengeance, it will lead you nowhere. And do not go on some fruitless quest looking for Ms Odelschwanck either. I will find you, bring you back and make this punishment seem paltry by comparison. I warned all of my Espada against fraternisation and yet you both defied me. Hone your anger, unleash it when, and only when, I say so."

Grimmjow's veins were popping out and it felt like his body was going to implode. A quiet whimper escaped from his lips, all he wanted was for the pain to stop.

In an instant, the pressure lifted and Grimmjow crumpled to the floor in a coughing heap. He felt woozy and sluggish, his vision blurry.

"Now, I trust there will be no further issues between the two of you?" Aizen asked cheerfully.

"Of course, Lord Aizen." Nnoitra bowed, his hands shaking.

Grimmjow gave a gutteral grunt in response.

"What was that Grimmjow?"

He looked up at his tormentor with the most hate-filled eyes he could muster. "Yes, Lord Aizen."

"Excellent. Now, Nnoitra if you'd come with me, I have something I wish to discuss with you." He smiled.

Grimmjow picked himself up off the ground and stood on shaky knees to watch them go. He knew the Shinigami was strong, that went without question. But to instantly render him completely useless like that? Fighting someone like that straight up would be suicide.

_If someone stays by your side for that long, you owe it to them to go after them._

Nel. Shit.

He thought she had left him, of course she hadn't. She wouldn't.

And just like that, he was back to being the heartbroken pussy all over again, with no cohesive thoughts to his name, just all of them spilling out at once, all focused on her.

Grimmjow leaned against the nearest wall, before sliding back down to the ground in defeat. Guilt and fury curdled around inside him. The voices in his head had returned to offer a myriad of violent endings to sate his vengeance.

He was going to kill him, one way or another. Fuck Aizen, as soon as he got a chance, Nnoitra was a dead man.

He could sneak into his room at night and do it. He could carve his throat out while he slept, or maybe take him out from behind in one swift strike.

Nah, that wasn't his style, he'd rather slaughter him in a violent bloodbath, two beasts locked in a fight to the death. He would happily give his life to have that bastard die by his hands.

But none of that changed the fact he couldn't go after Nel. If he did, Aizen or one of his dogs would hunt him down. And even if by some miracle he actually did manage to find her, then it was just both of their lives that were forfeit.

Not knowing whether she was alive or dead was killing him.

Grimmjow's hands balled into fists and he screamed into them, the only thing he could do to quell his frustrations. He bumped his head back against the wall and exhaled slowly. This wasn't a situation he could fight his way out of, and he wasn't sure he was capable of much beyond that.

In the end, none of it really mattered, he was still alone. All he could do was sit here and wallow in self-pity, rage and longing. Maybe he should have taken his own advice to her about attachments and getting close to anyone.

He had to let her go. She would destroy him from the inside if he didn't. If he didn't move on, he was only hurting himself.

He just wished he could see her one last time.

* * *

He was staring at her again.

He wasn't even subtle about it either. At every meeting that Aizen held, Grimmjow always looked unimaginably bored and decided to alleviate this by blatantly gawking at her.

At first she tried to ignore him, and when that didn't work, she met his gaze. She thought that would get him to look away sheepishly, yet he brazenly persisted without a care in the world.

It wasn't like she was angered by it, just curious. He never approached her afterwards, rarely even acknowledged her after their introduction. He just continued to look at her, expressionless.

He had risen through the ranks quickly to become the Sixth Espada. Aizen seemed impressed by his destructive capabilities and intended to utilise them to the fullest extent.

However it wasn't like Grimmjow appreciated the speedy promotion, ungrateful brute that he was. Instead he spent his days cursing, fighting and yawning during Aizen's speeches.

In this particular meeting however, she had to reluctantly concur with his sentiment. She could hardly concentrate on what Aizen was talking about, and it wasn't like the man ever cared. He would just continue his monologues as though nothing was out of the ordinary, his two minions either side of him.

As for the Espada, only herself and Ulquiorra made the effort to sit upright and try to appear attentive. Starrk's eyes were half-lidded and it looked like he was about to nod off at any moment. Barragan's head rested on his hand, likely reminiscing about the days when he was in charge. To be fair to him, he never subjected them to this kind of crap.

Several of the lower-ranked Espada had their arms folded or behind their head. No one had touched Aizen's mediocre tea, why he felt the need to keep offering it was a mystery.

Then there was Grimmjow, as fed up as the rest of them, just studying her with those pretty, pale blue eyes.

Enough was enough. If he had something he wanted to say to her, she would help him find his tongue.

After Aizen mercifully adjourned the meeting she went to look for him, scouring the halls of Los Noches for any trace of him. Trying to make it look as though she happened to be passing by, Nel glanced into his room and frowned when she found no sign of him.

She didn't want to follow him straight from the meeting, in case someone copped onto the fact that she wanted to talk to him. What would the noble Third Espada need to converse with the likes of him for? She could hear the snide remarks already.

She understood the need for the castle to be big in order to house them all, but it made finding individual people a pain.

Eventually, she found him sitting outside in a corner by himself. She wanted to smile at how he looked like a sulking child that had been put on a time-out.

Grimmjow looked up when he felt someone approach him, wondering who dared to disturb his tranquil solitude. He relaxed once he saw it was Nel, letting his eyes wander over her body as she moved towards him. Her modest uniform couldn't disguise her large breasts and nice behind.

She had such plump lips, he couldn't help but imagine them wrapped around his-

"You don't seem to talk to many people here." She noted.

"You're a fucking genius, I can see why Aizen keeps you around. Never know when you might need someone to point out the fucking obvious." He snorted.

"Do you think your 'not give a damn' attitude makes you irresistible or something? As far as I can tell, you've managed to drive away everybody from wanting to have anything to do with you. But I think behind that front, you're just desperate for someone to talk to. Don't think I haven't noticed you looking in my direction."

"I didn't see you rushin' to stop me." He leered. "You know, I think you enjoy looking right back at me, it's why it's taken you so long to say anything. You're as interested as I am, and trust me when I say it'll be even more fun to touch than to watch."

The way he openly flaunted his body without any shame wasn't lost on her. He took pride in his strength and physique, making sure everyone could see it. For Nel, it served as some eye-candy, as well as a reminder that he was a capable warrior.

"That's it? That's all you've been staring at me for, just sex?"

"I'm a man of many impulses, that's an itch which hasn't been scratched for a while now."

"And you think staring at me without saying a word is the best way to achieve it?"

"Got you out here talking to me, didn't it?"

"I'm not your quick relief." She retorted, while trying not to directly look at his muscled chest. "I didn't come here for that, I just thought you might appreciate some company for a change."

He smirked at her. "Not like that." She groaned.

That got a laugh out of him. "Why would I? Attachments are just a great way to get your head fucked up."

She looked at him with what he interpreted as pity. Grimmjow scoffed, he didn't want or need her sympathies. His isolation was self-inflicted, his choice. He had wandered through the sands with nothing but the voices in his head for company.

He liked it that way, at least those told him he would be king.

"You can't have always been on your own?" She asked.

"That's none of your damn business."

She threw her hands up and began to walk away. "I don't even know why I bothered coming to talk to you. You made it clear from our first interaction you didn't want anything to do with me."

"Those Hollows that you keep around, they your Fracciones?"

"They are." She replied in a cautious tone.

"You protect 'em?"

"I do."

"Must be nice, fighting for an honorable purpose. Beats battling for whatever bullshit Aizen preaches during those painful fucking speeches, eh?"

Grimmjow smiled when he heard a small giggle come from her.

"You don't have any Fracciones, is that because you think you're powerful enough on your own?" She grinned.

"Heh. Nah, that's not it. I don't think I could find anyone I'd want to serve me. I'd probably get annoyed and end up killing them."

"Have you really always been on your own?" Nel's tone was no longer joking.

"No, I had followers, not too dissimilar to you. Except my group weren't anywhere near as peaceful as your two friends."

"Well, Pesche and Dondochakka are an exception in Hueco Mundo that's for sure." She muttered. "What happened to them?"

"There were five of them, first time we met they tried attacking me. Didn't work out too well for them. They offered me a place in the group after that, actually they wanted me to lead them."

"Lead them to what?" Nel asked.

"They wanted to become Vasto Lordes. Ambition... shit I thought it was admirable, so I agreed. We set out, consuming so many Hollows that I lost count before long, but they didn't, they were so fixated on their goal that they couldn't think about anything else. One day they circled me, I was ready to kill every last one of them if I had to. When an attack never came, I asked 'em what was going on."

His voice had become just above a hushed tone, he looked dead ahead with a fixed icy glare.

"They told me that they had given up, just like that. Their ambition had left them, now they were just passive and indifferent to the whole fuckin' thing. 3000 Hollows consumed and they were ready to throw it all away. That didn't work for me, so I went my own way. Been by myself ever since. They're probably still out there somewhere, if they haven't met their demise by someone more powerful. I think they would have served well as my Fracciones."

"You exiled yourself from the only companions you ever had." Nel stated sadly.

"The worst part of it all is, I don't even think devouring all those Hollows did anything." He laughed bitterly. "I wouldn't be where I was now if that fucking Shinigami hadn't found me, and well, you know how that went."

"We all have people we grieve for, there's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I strike you as the type to sit around and cry?"

Nel sighed and sat down beside him. He continued to stare straight, even as he finished recounting his tale.

"You should find them." She whispered.

"They're gone." He uttered.

"You don't know that, and not knowing is what is going to hurt the most in the long run. If someone stays by your side for that long, you owe it to them to go after them. Your strength made you their leader, but it what was your spirit that kept you there."

He didn't know how to respond, so he didn't.

They stayed like that for a while, just quietly looking up at the moon. He froze when Nel rested her head on his shoulder. She placed her hand on his, then interlocked their fingers.

He wasn't sure what it was about her, how she effortlessly got him to spill his guts like that, why he felt so comfortable around her. He had been staring at her for weeks because of a lustful craving that wouldn't go away. Yet, she turned out to offer more than he had ever anticipated.

When Nel turned her head to finally say something, Grimmjow pressed his lips to hers.

He knew he shouldn't have done it, he knew Aizen frowned upon relations between Espada, he knew she would probably punch his lights out for this, but right now he didn't give a shit. She was the one good thing he had at the moment and he needed her to know that.

Nel instantly thought about pushing him away, but something about the way he was kissing her didn't feel like he was doing it simply out of sexual desire. It genuinely seemed like he was trying to connect with her, and physical actions were the only way he knew how to express himself.

A smile crept onto her face as they slowly pulled apart. Perhaps the Sexta had a softer side after all, she was all too eager to find out.

* * *

She wasn't impressed by him.

One look told her all she needed to know about him, another vicious Arrancar added to the collection. This one took the form of a jaguar before he was made man by Aizen, then immediately tried to attack his new master.

'Biting the hand that feeds you', didn't really do that move justice.

As opposed to being furious, Aizen merely restrained his new creation with intrigued glee. She guessed that whatever purpose he had for their new associate, it would involve copious amounts of violence.

Nel's nose crinkled in disdain. Just what they all needed, one more uncivilised, savage beast among their ranks.

She looked down to see that the man had somewhat calmed down and was appraising his surroundings. The air around him had gone from destructive to contemplative in an instant. He now resembled an animal trapped in an enclosure.

Nel couldn't help but shamefully scan him up and down. She had to admit, he cleaned up well in his new body, certainly wasn't lacking in any area.

She walked away once she heard Aizen instruct his blind Shinigami into providing the man with a uniform and a room of his own.

A few days went by and she hadn't seen him anywhere in the castle which was surprising, she half-expected him to get in a fight with one of the other Espada.

Still, if he was going to be their ally, she would have to introduce herself sooner or later. She would like to get a reading on his temperament as well, to see if there really was more to him than meets the eye.

When she happened to spy him entering Los Noches after what appeared like a particularly visceral battle, she followed him to his quarters where he stopped outside the door and tilted his head when he detected her tailing him. He raised an eyebrow at her expectantly.

"I'm Nelliel."

"And? Why the fuck should I care?"

She spun around and walked away. Great, another one just like Nnoitra. Well one was bad enough, she didn't want to waste her time with him too.

"Wait." He called to her.

He didn't know why he felt guilty for saying what he did, he had been here long enough to realise that his company were self-important pricks and he had let them know as much. So why did he feel like such an asshole now? This woman was the only one who had presented themselves in a normal way.

She was different to everyone else here, he could sense it.

"Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez." He drawled with a cocky grin.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Before She Disappeared](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16274153) by [cathgotyourtongue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cathgotyourtongue/pseuds/cathgotyourtongue)




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